#doesn't matter if it's just about like. idk. the weather. or a 'good morning' lol. she'll find a way to take offense

[hirazuki]

Personal rambling under the cut because I feel the need to share this absurdity, feel free to ignore XD

I met and spoke with my mother yesterday for the first time in almost four years, to talk about why my sister and I have cut both our parents off (i.e. emotional abuse and neglect throughout childhood that has resulted for both of us in severe trust issues, c-ptsd, eating disorders, depression, ocd, suicidal ideation/attempts, anxiety, and emotional and social stunting, to name but a few things), and, as an example because she asked for one, I brought up the fact that she and our dad kept sis housebound (she literally did not go outside for like, eight years?) and crippled by her dependence on them that they cultivated, and that the first time sis used any kind of public transportation alone was at the age of 26.

Mom's response: So taking the bus by herself as a child would have fixed everything?

Me:

[firespirited]

Vague indefinable under the weather thing became a very defined half way down the head divide sinusitis mid morning.

It wasn't as easy to spot because there's just been ongoing 'ouch' of the head and face due to the neck issues but yeah you can actually see the swollen sinuses and that clear divide down the head is unmistakable. I really should have worn my mask on walks even though I don't approach anyone (except bully cops I guess) to avoid the pollen.

Then again, funny thing I went out with Sis this morning, it was cold so we were wearing masks for cold and the woodfires which give you a good lungful of nasty and we got lectured by a rando about how unnecessary it all is and how much money 'they' have made off this

and how his latest booster made him feel sick even though by his own admission he got covid the last time he went unmasked in public earlier this year.

I just cheerfully pointed out that the vaccine hurts less than the infection, masks are useful for more than just covid and thanked him profusely for doing his civic duty of masking in public transport and shops as an immunocompromised person. But like, dude, we have two really cute dogs and the weather's been interesting, half the country's protesting now that the government have shown they'd rather throw away democracy and our freedom of expression than tax a few corporations a little better (it is literally so little money that we could make buying back your own company stock from excessive profits illegal and collect double what's needed for pensions from just this year. The insistance that pensions must be funded by workers with no corporate or government help is stupid, the math indicated we won't be in the red til 2030 so tax some billionaires already, they can protest live in Monaco or Luxembourg (and get super bored and crawl back) if they insist on not leaving france's luxuries to far behind...

Oh look there so much to talk about that I got derailed (not that it takes much LOL) but mr man had to scold us for being silly gooses for wearing masks and tell us his incoherent but important thoughts on the matter. I know I'm probably contagious with a bad cold right now, didn't get to work that into the conversation though. Sis talked about how much more she's able to enjoy nature as an asthmatic since masks though so that was nice. We shot eachother a lot of subtle side eyes especially when he casually dropped that half the party he went to unmasked got horribly sick from that party.

If you feel like that dude, please do try different mask types and mask comfort aids. Everybody has to find what they can wear for long periods without pain. For me it's a China made K95, straps in the back, changed every hour so the sweat doesn't chafe my skin but I have to be really careful to not end up with an inperceptible flow of hot wet air straight into my right eye. Sis likes the fish shaped k94. Doc uses a duck shape for minimal face chafing.

I've put a few things on hold til my health gets slightly better. I really want to rework the neck on the lovely 1/6 bjd Maleficent sent and then paint her not with human blushing but like she's part of a crockery set. The one great auntie Francis left us a few years ago is a gold trimmed fruit motif and blue china is pretty but already done so I was thinking more along the lines of something with strawberries because I love her porcelain paleness and a strawberry motif would allow me to keep the face simple and stylized. (writing this down because ideas do sometimes spark during the SADS but I often completely forget them).

Jewel Richie had an 'incident' in the post and has been undeliverable since Thursday but amazon doesn't open the refund/rebuy options til tomorrow. I'll have to decide then. The vagueness of 'incident' made me think OK, maybe the roads/trains were blocked but the 'cannot be delivered' kind of implies the package got smashed up or in the same truck as idk a bottle of ink or something.

I think it's maybe why I had a doll dream, I imagined a rainbow high rolling into a roadside somewhere after someone forgot to properly shut the van doors or something.

Then again, I spent most of last night talking over (with my own brain) how the Shoah probably 'killed' Gd (mine the xian god who is supposed to have a personal relationship with people, not necessarily anyone else's - i can explain in detail if anyone is interested, the law of free will wasn't broken other xian specific things were) for me to an imaginary rabbi questioner (he was very nice, if pushing further than I dared to talk, in the daydream and had experience with christianity in the form of evangelicalism so I didn't have to explain certain concepts that are absolutely not in the Talmud and not really the new testament either.) and really felt my shame that a genocide unrelated to me shook a faith (xianity) that's a disrespectful sect of their faith. Nevertheless I was 10, and the idea that the gospels weren't the symmetrical conclusion to the Talmud was never in question and even considered blasphemy if I ever brought it up. I was such a different person by 14 then 16 facing it again. To think I thought jewish people were as brainwashed as I was into the belief that martydom is a noble death. Yeah I mentioned the nice fever dream about the dolls because many times sick musings end up in 'the roads not taken' , existential crises and lists of people who probably took years off my life. Fun stuff.

Lily is picking up this march, she is happy and well. I think she may have had a tough winter but for 14 she is very fit and still very much a mischief, she's started doing her upside-down dances, asking for fuss and thieving from my recycling bin again. I love her to bits.

Have a lovely day everyone. Stay safe and relatively sane ❤️❤️❤️

[fantasticcloudcreation]

More rambling hehe slander is on rn and I have a headache and I might be having a heart attack but it's probably just this low simmer panic I've been sitting with all night and there's only an hour left and I'm gonna get thru it

You know what? It's fine. I'm surviving. I'm getting paid to be here and maybe I'll hit overtime this week bc of this shift. Nothing matters, I'm not special or important, I'm just another number on the roster, it's fine. There's only an hour left and then I can go relax at the hotel for an hour and come back in the morning :)

I'm gonna get back on track with food + exercise this week, I'm gonna hang out with L and get as much time with him as I can, I won't be so grumpy because none of this even matters, let it go.

I'm skinny and if I stay on top of my shit this week I'll be 105 or lower whenever I find a scale. I'll get to go home for thanksgiving (cold weather + hug my family) and then I might come back to Miami for the next gig, might not, it doesn't matter either way. (Realistically I probably will and it might suck but it might not suck, who knows.) Next year I'll plan ahead to Not be in Florida for the entire fall + winter seasons :)

Everything is fine. I'm surviving. There are worse jobs lmfao. There are better jobs too! Right now I'm here and it's fine! Most days I love my job and it's unfortunate that this gig hasn't had many of those days but you know what, it's fine, none of it matters!!!

Tomorrow will be a better day. Load out is easy, you just take things apart and put them in boxes. There's so many people on this call, I can fuck around and just pretend it's a workout and talk shit with my coworkers and it's gonna be fine.

My phone hasn't died even though I've been on it for almost 10 hours straight, old phone would've been dead twice by now. Even if I had a book or activity it's too dark down here to see anything, I would've had to sit out in the open somewhere on some random box, this is better. I feel like today's shift has been the equivalent of "a watched pot never boils" except you know what, it does eventually boil, and a 12 hour shift with Zero tasks also eventually ends! It's almost time to start packing my shit up and go sit somewhere visible so bossman can tell me when it's over lol.

Life is funny. I feel like I've gotten over something tonight, not sure what exactly. This music is still getting louder, idk how they do it. I feel like my ears hurt even through the earplugs. But it's fine and I'm feeling better than I did when I got here. I also didn't actually cry the entire time! Almost cried once, had a lot of low level panic energy and a big mope, feeling ok right now (maybe bc it's almost over.) I guess the lesson is, no matter how unpleasant the situation, just make yourself as comfortable as possible and wait it out? Nothing lasts forever.

How silly that people pay thousands of dollars to attend this event and I've just been complaining and resisting the entire thing; I'm being paid to be here and I can't even enjoy it ? / But it's not my vibe and I would've never come here if I didn't have work, and now I know not to work it again next year. It's all fine.

I guess there's something to be said about learning how to surrender and accept whatever unpleasant environment you find yourself in, there's a lot of potential for growth if you can meditate your way through it. The music hasn't been terrible and I might've had a better time on a different day (if I wasn't on the clock and I could've done drugs haha)

But, ayy, 9:56. Bossman said expect to get cut around 10 or 11 so it could be any minute now :) maybe I'll pack up and go sit somewhere with less bass resonance; there's not a lot of good options for seating out there but maybe I'll socialize for the last bit of the night.

Whatever. Nothing matters. The bass vibrations feel kinda cool and at least this guy has variety between his songs. Maybe L will come back soon but I know he wants to see John summit so maybe I'll be driving myself home and he'll find another ride, or maybe he'll try to talk me into going over there with him, or maybe we're actually staying until midnight for some reason, who knows, I don't know shit, I'm tired of all of this, I'm just here and I'm just existing. As soon as I can leave this place, I will be. I'm gonna go check in with bossman and see what the deal is about cut times.

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Friday, February 23rd, 2024!

7:55am: I slept for so long and woke up with no alarms this morning :) feels amazing. Still had a huge orange chunk come out of my nose but it's less than before, I just don't know when it will stop lol (I literally had to get up while writing this and do another one). Last night I had to go to sleep unexpectedly early bc I had a milkshake and it made me so bloated omg. I think I'm officially at that age where I really can't just be eating anything 😂 of course I can bc I'm an independent woman 💅 but not without The Consequences. Also I just popped my BC in and I'm ready for my period to stop and also for the stomach issues to stop omg it's been rough out here. It really feels like spring break should be today, but the pros to it being next week are that it's one week closer to the end, I won't be on my period at all, and hopefully it will be warmer!! I'm tired of this cold ass weather!!

I feel good today besides the random brain thoughts that I don't particularly want. I need to figure out how to replace those thoughts with ones I do what. This journaling, as much ranting as it is, definitely helps me I guess regulate my runaway thoughts. I really want to take a post poop nap though those are the best so ttyl lmao.

10:47am: omg I continued to sleep until 9:50am I don't know how to explain to people how much sleep I really feel like I need. Idk it's probably depression but that's literally ok I'm just doing what I can. I still miss him and that's ok too. I don't really miss him I literally miss just having someone to talk to. But he fucked up and it's his loss, not mine. He lost a genuine person, and I lost a liar who cheats and steals money and nothing he does is genuine, it's all fake to get people to like him so he can use their shit for all it's worth. What's crazy is he's so fake he doesn't even care about these cats after he kept saying he misses them oh boohoo me it's like losing two kids, then blocks me so he'll effectively never fucking see them again. He's literally so fake AF. I take pride knowing I'm not a fake ass bitch and I don't lie to people. Doesn't matter if people believe me or not because I know I'm not lying about anything. If you think I'm lying, you just have something else going on in your life that you have to deal with clearly. This image of them getting on the bike together I think will stay with me for a while, I guess visuals are really my downfall. I know I'm the bigger person bc I literally said yeah y'all are cute together before he stopped speaking to me and everything was chill. It was chill because I made it chill. I made this entire friendship what it was and I'm really convinced of it now tbh. I don't like him, I like me and how I act towards him 😂 I like nice people, aka myself lmao.

If everyone likes me except for you.... Sorry I don't think I'm the problem boo 😘 just a matter of time before he does some more stupid shit I'm sure I'll hear about 🙄

Happy Friday!!

1:02pm ate my ramen leftovers and my boss is buying me CFA Cobb salad for work later :') people are awesome ❤️

10:09pm: JFC my feet hurt like hell. I wish I had a guy to rub my feet fr but one day lol. I just realized he didn't block me on sc so I could technically add him back whenever, I wonder if he's waiting for me to do that?? Hmmmm he's such a narcissist it's wild, plus the whole posting at me when I'm technically blocked on ig is actually crazy af. I bet $200 if he adds me back on ig that post will magically be gone or the caption would change. He's so petty and acts like a little bitch. Literally can't relate 💀

11:40pm: finished my law assignment and I'm so tired I think I'll eat my salad leftovers and literally pass out. My eyes are literally burning.

I really just be out here gaslighting tf outta myself. I'm sitting here like wowza I wish I had "guy" to vibe w me after getting done with my hw.... But it's been so long it's funny that I forget, that man in particular would NOT want to chill with me after I'm finished with my hw!! Name literally one time when he ever fucking did that?? Literally he never fucking did. I'm so gaslighting myself into thinking we'd be doing anything rn, he would've pissed me off all night and then would probably be asleep rn. There would not be random drive thru trips bc he's on a lame ass diet and won't stfu about it and there wouldn't be cuddling bc he would've pissed me off the entire afternoon sitting on his ass making fucking messes instead of contributing anything ever to the home we share and it would infuriate me!! That's not attractive 🙄 so yeah gaslighting tf out of myself to think that would be happening 🤣 it's been so long I forget how exhausting that bullshit was!! Don't go back sis you literally hated it!! Wack AF and manipulative tbh.

One day, there will be a man, he will rub my feet when I get off work, even better he'll see the insides of my shoes, know that I'm too busy/ADHD to remember to get insoles, and would surprise me with new insoles for my shoes ❤️ that's what care and love looks like. We will have a cute snack and then probably fuck before bed bc we are both grown and not scared of a little period fr, and he would get me a towel and draw up a shower for me afterwards and I'd come back into the clean bedroom with no dirty shit on the floor and get into my made bed and snuggle with the real love of my life who loves and respects me 🥰 manifesting lol 💕

[totiredtowrite]

Shell Of A Man

Warnings - Talks of d3ath, cursing, mentions of drinking, somewhat body horror like descriptions, might have to do a part 2, you're dead at the beginning I'm not a mortician so idk what a work day would look like but I tried lol

Note: The lack of Matsukawa x male reader content should be considered a hate crime. I'm gonna make a part 2 sometime before you ask

there r no fuggin timeskip mattsun gifs or art or anything that fits here, wanna cry

Working at a funeral home was actually...kind of boring.

Being a mortician wasn't the most exciting job in the world by any means. At first it was kind of vexing, all the dead bodies, but eventually Matsukawa just got used to it.

He's usually left alone to prep bodies for funerals anyways. Every once in a while someone'll come in with details about the funeral or the corpse itself, but for the most part it was just him and the dead.

Maybe that's why horror movies don't faze him much anymore. Having been there and seen it, not much could really surprise him.

Still though, life is filled with little surprises.

🂠🃑🃁🂱🂡

Mornings suck. The birds chirping peacefully, the gentle golden sunlight spilling through the blinds...he hates it.

It's not like Matsukawa was angry at life, or that he hated peace, but every morning was starting to feel like groundhog day. Wake up, almost smash the alarm clock, drink one cup of black coffee for breakfast, throw on a suit, and get on his way.

He doesn't prep bodies every day, thank god. Half the time it's working with the dead and the other half was paperwork. Occasionally he directed a funeral, but other than that he knew what to expect.

Pulling into the driveway, he let his head fall against the steering wheel for a second. He really wanted to stay in bed today, just lounging around until the discomfort of hunger or needing to use the restroom outweighed the pleasure of lying in bed. He hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, something keeping him up.

Still though, he had things to do.

Today he'd considered himself unlucky. He was tired, he'd worked all weekend, he had to go prep a dead body, and-

Wait, wasn't it sunny just a second ago? Where did all those clouds come from? And so fast too. It looked like it would start pouring any second.

"Weird," he muttered under his breath. He could've sworn that the sun was shining only a couple minutes ago. He stood there for a second, just watching the clouds roll in. Something was definitely off today. The empty halls of the funeral home seemed more empty than usual. Issei had only seen one person since he'd arrived.

Shaking his head, he turned away from the window. There isn't a point to wondering about the weather anyways, he had a job to do.

The preparation room felt oddly cold today. He dropped his leather bag on the desk in the far corner of the room. Before he went to get his gear on, he moved to the center of the room where the embalming table was set.

He lifted the sheet up, just to get a look at what he was working with. "Young," he murmured. The body on the table couldn't be any older than him. "Shame," he sighed.

He never really liked prepping younger bodies. Children, teenagers. Even people around his age, in their twenties. Especially male ones, like yours. He'd always see himself in the body, it made him uncomfortable. On a lighter note, your closed eyes and soft smile at least made you seem at peace.

With a shudder, he dropped the sheet and turned to put a mask on, slipping on a white overcoat and grabbing gloves. Maybe he should just start with your throat. Get his least favourite part out of the way.

Finding the cotton, he opened your mouth with a small grimace. He thought the whole process was slightly gross no matter how much he did it. "Sorry 'bout this." He said, tentatively stuffing the cotton down your throat. "It's probably uncomfortable, huh?"

Matsukawa knows that his habit of talking to the dead bodies is probably weird, (and not good for his mental health), but it's not like he had other people to talk to. Plus, he found that it helped him to focus.

With a hum, he reached down to loop a thread through the eye of a needle, getting ready to sew your mouth shut. Just as the needle penetrated your upper lip, Matsukawa stopped. Your eyes were closed a moment ago, right? He narrowed his own, black irises regarding your body with suspicion.

Today's been weird. First the weather, now this? Maybe he was finally going crazy. Spending more time in the company of the dead instead of actual people is finally taking a toll on him, isn't it?

He just reached over and closed your eyes, continuing with what he was doing. No point in thinking about it.

He continued to sew your lips shut, cursing as he reched the end of the thread. How is it that he didn't have enough? He measured it out. In any case, more thread was needed. With the creak of a chair, he turned around to get more.

The rustle of a sheet behind him made him pause. Any previous thoughts racing through his head stopped too. Silence. The only noises were Matsukawa's own shallow breaths and the rain outside. He shut his eyes tight, taking a deep breath and setting the thread down.

He was just imagining things. What, was he seriously scared of the corpse? What dies stays dead.

...Right?

Issei shook his head, slapping himself. What kind of sleep deprived madness was he on? Rolling his eyes, he picked up the needle and turned around swiftly.

That was a mistake.

You were sat straight up, mouth three quarters of the way sewn shut and eyes wide. He sucked in a breath. "What the actual fuck," he said with an exhale. He fell out of the chair, stumbling back to lean against the counter behind him. He felt his muscle flex as he held onto the counter top, body frozen in fear.

A muffled noise left you, your (e/c) eyes looking...lifeless. No spark, no semblance of a living being, just morbid curiosity. You moved slightly, the sheet falling to the ground. You looked like you hadn't stood in forever, legs shaking as you tried to steel yourself on the table.

"This isn't real," you heard his rushed whispers, "This isn't real, this can't be real."

You shifted your head to look at him, the sounds of bones cracking ever so slightly. When your eyes met, you seemed to stare straight into him. The chilling silence felt like it was chewing holes through his brain.

Suddenly, without warning, you started coughing. The noise was horrible, strangled, painful through the cotton. Matsukawa lurched farther back into the counter, (if that was possible), grasping at the nearest tool. Was it possible you weren't dead? No, no you didn't look alive. Your eyes looked dead, skin a sickly alter shade of what used to be.

He held the dressing forceps that he'd grabbed out in front of him. You didn't seem to take the hint though, staggering forward anyways. "Stay back," his voice sounded stronger than he thought it would be.

You stopped. His eyes widened slightly. He actually didn't think that would work. Another strangled noise left your throat, and you gestured wildly at the stitches holding your mouth shut. The corner of your mouth opened in an attempt to say something, tears welling up in your eyes.

"Wait are you-are you in pain?" Issei slowly pushed off of the counter, walking towards you slowly. You nodded frantically, dropping to your knees and staring up at him. You looked more...fearful and confused than malicious. Shakily, Issei knelt down with the forceps. You leaned forward, allowing him to catch your face in one of his hands.

"This shit isn't real," he said under his breath, "I must be going insane."

The last thread was cut, pressure on your lips freed. As soon as you were able to open your mouth, you doubled over coughing, cotton falling from your mouth. Matsukawa watched with wide eyes. Never in his life would he think he'd be watching a corpse cough up cotton on his floor, especially not a corpse that he'd just been prepping for a funeral.

Right, the funeral.

His eyes went wide. What the hell was he supposed to do? Tell the family that their son, their brother, wasn't dead after all? No, they wouldn't buy that. You looked a little more alive than you had a second ago, but the odd discolouration and dead eyes didn't change. There was no doubt about it, your heart wasn't beating.

Letting you gather your bearings, he stood up to swiftly get the file on his desk. His white overcoat has since been unbuttoned, mask pulled down underneath his chin. "So, (y/n)," he read your name off of the paper, prompting you to look up. "What-"

"Thank you."

He paused at your interruption, looking up from his file to where you were still knelt on the floor. "Sorry?"

"Thank you, for bringing me back," you staggered up, steps faltering slightly as you hobbled over to him. Matsukawa froze when he felt your face rest in the crook of his neck.

No but seriously, what the fuck was going on? How does he even react to this? The man he was embalming, the dead man, just sat up straight. Sat up straight, coughed up the cotton in his throat, and is now leaning against him? He wasn't sure if he should scream, if he should run, call someone, anything!

"Tired," you murmured into his neck.

"My god," he whispered.

Smuggling a corpse, sorry, former corpse into his car was not how he wanted to spend a Monday. He had a job to do, he couldn't just skip out today. Then again, his job did just get up and walk off the table.

Maybe a day off wouldn't hurt.